I finished the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan last night.  I really enjoyed reading it and it made me ponder a lot of things about how I am reading the Word and putting it into action in my life, but when it got to chapter nine on “people who sought to live their lives fully surrendered to God”  I had to take into consideration that none of them were married or had kids, as far as I could tell anyway (am I wrong?).  I admire these people…let me make that very clear.  These comments are not in any way intended to diminish the amazing and selfless things they did for God and humans.

Here is my delima…while I am trying my hardest to become a mature Christian and stop getting off track just because life gets hard I feel like I am in need of ministry still.  We are looking for a church to go to in our new city and one of the biggest things to consider for us is if the children’s ministry has a program for disabled children and I would desperately like to find a church with a good women’s Bible study.  I do, in my quest to be a more mature Christian, want to find ways to give to others of my time and money except I do not have much of either.  I don’t have time to volunteer at the homeless or women’s shelter with all my running around to doctors, therapists and school.  I feel I am just trying to survive myself.  My husband and I are working hard to stop surviving and start living, but that  just gives us enough light and inspiration that our daughter can have more of a normal mom and dad type instead of ones who feel weighted down by the whole world.  I do depend on the Holy Spirit to guide me and as my other posts have said I depend on Jesus to get through every day, it’s the only way I survive.

I was excited about readying Crazy Love and having more confirmation of God’s love for little ‘ole me, but I wasn’t ready to hear that I should be giving away all I have when we as a family are just trying to get through the day and give our child the most love and help we can.  Does not God call us all to different walks of life?  And give us different gifts from the Holy Spirit?  Are we not all living completely different and complex lives?  I do not understand what it is like  to have a normal developing child nor what it feels like to be abandoned by my husband but those who do have those experiences do not understand my life either.  I am not trying to feel sorry for myself or ask anyone else to.  I am living in reality and ask all to respect that.  I just feel like my biggest responsibility is to my husband and my child, after all God did say to be fruitful and multiply!  On another note, in response to a section in the Q&A of Crazy Love, I DO believe chemical imbalances in the brain can effect a person’s life dramatically.  I DO NOT think that is blaming someone else for ourselves not living the way God wants us to, it is a sickness.

So is the way I am living un-Jesus like?  Am I displeasing Him?  Am I missing something?  Maybe I should read the book again…

If there is anyone out there reading this please challenge or encourage me!